Twisted Inu
by alterfano
Summary: A collection of crack!fic, bad!fic, parody!fic having fun with the InuYasha gang. Warning: sour limons enclosed.
1. Twisted Treat

_A/N: Written for a Halloween challenge. And yes, I HAD to put in the pumpkin, Naraku, and alt pair and the phrase "That's just scary." So, crack!fic it is! Characters are the property of R. Takahashi._

**Twisted Treat**

Kagome wandered aimlessly through the forest, the beaded necklace hanging limply from her fingers as her arms swung loosely at her sides. Her face was sallow and drawn, and her clothes were tattered, ripped by the path she'd wandered for days now – alone - through pumpkin patches, fields and streams. Mind blank, she worked hard at keeping it that way.

The jewel called her. _His_ jewel.

He met her where the mountain met the treeline, descending like a storm to press down on her with the weight of his presence, pinning her before he touched her. She lay back into his oppression, allowing him onto her, absorbing the feel of him, the stink of him and the darkness inside that emanated from his heart.

"You came," Naraku's breath was hot on her neck as she felt some of his body slide up the inside of her thigh while more of him crept under her shirt to feel the lower slopes of her breasts. "You will submit to me, all of you…" She felt his cold lips against her cheek, his warm tongue snaking out to taste her sweat and the dirt of her journey. "In you, I have all three…" His body began to writhe over her and around her, pulling at her clothes and pulsing himself against her. "I will have you as I would have had _her_…" The intensity of his movements increased, making his excitement unmistakable as the folds of his flaccid flesh hardened into her legs and stomach. "I will have you as I would have had _him_…"

Kagome's fingers tightened on the beads, pulling the energy from them, _his_ energy. The jewel would save her.

"No!" Fire came into her eyes and he reveled in it, leering and stiffening against her. "Get off me!" Reaching out to the jewel, she touched it with her miko power, sending a shudder through him and faltering his smile.

"So that's how we play this, is it?" The hard edge of his voice reflected the strength with which he wrapped himself around her, sending the wet tips of himself out to stroke her without gentleness, without tenderness, but with force and harshness, pushing himself to her edges.

"Something like that," her own voice dripped anger and hatred, channeling her manufactured anguish into another stab at the jewel, this one sending him reeling. As their bodies parted slightly, Kagome brought her arm up to swing the beads over his head, quickly rolling out from under him as he stared at his chest in disbelief.

"Witch!" Red eyes glowed.

"Don't blame her, sucker," InuYasha stepped from the shadows to lift Kagome in a smooth movement. He wrapped himself around her waist and taunted, "You fell for her worse than I did, idiot." Kissing her neck, his own wicked grin brought his fangs to her neck where he gave her a little love bite and murmured, "Do it, girl."

Naraku's eyes widened as Kagome's moist lips parted. "Sit!" His face smashed into the dirt and, his miasma ran cold through his limbs when she followed up with, "Stay!"

"What the fuck?" His teeth ground out the words.

"It's the jewel," Kagome said, bringing her hands to cover InuYasha's as they wrapped around her waist, his fingers spreading out under hers against the pleats of her skirt. "The jewel is fueling the beads. If I don't do anything, you'll be stuck there for the rest of time."

"Stuck?" How had his plan gone so wrong?

"Stuck." Kagome said.

"You know…" InuYasha continued to nibble her neck, and she was enjoying the feel of his warmth behind her, having missed him so these last lonely days she'd wandered alone, seeking their enemy. "He was going to take you in order to hurt me." His clawed hands caught at her shirt, pulling it away from her skin. "How much would it hurt him if I took you instead?"

Kagome got a wicked grin on her face, enjoying the look of clouded anger overcoming Naraku's features. She twisted in her lover's grasp until she faced him, pressing against his hardness and pulling at his clothing. "As much as it would hurt him for me to take you while he was forced to watch." Her shirt ripped with the force of his need and their lips hungered against each other as skin became revealed and met in fiery caresses.

Lowering her to the ground, InuYasha was careful to leave his hand at her spine, pulling the arch into her back as he licked and lapped at her exposed breasts, letting Naraku's sputtering anger fuel his want, knowing that each touch of his tongue and trace of his claw on her fresh skin increased his enemy's frustration, jealousy and humiliation.

Kagome did her part, clawing at his clothes to reveal the hot length of his desire, pulling it to her lips and drawing the moans from him that her enemy struggled to contain as he watched the sweet torture that would never be his.

"I want you," InuYasha mumbled as Kagome came off him and buried her hand between her own legs until she was writhing beneath him, bringing heaving little pants from his lips merely by _sounding_ as though she was about to come.

Finally, when they could take it no more, her little whimpers driving them mad, InuYasha came into her, holding her close as the scream ripped from her lungs and she clung to him, urging him further into her trembling body.

"You're _mine_, not his," InuYasha growled into her neck as his muscles seized him in ecstasy and he came into her.

"You're _mine_, not his," Kagome cried as her body shuddered around him.

"That's just scary," Naraku said as he spilled his seed into the soil beneath his convulsing flesh. "make it stop…" The aftershocks ran through him quickly, calming him and relaxing him towards sleep.

"Okay," Kagome was on her feet, InuYasha sitting casually beneath her naked body, both of them gleaming with sweat. Kagome's bow was drawn and notched with a glowing arrow. The arrow hit its mark and the softening flesh of Naraku disappeared, leaving only a string of beads behind.

_The End._


	2. InuYasha! Scourge of the Sierra Madre!

_**A/N:** This poor excuse for crac!fic was actually written some time ago (April/May, 2006) and is the collaboration of myself, Ouatic7/Okaasan7 and Nokomarie/Noko the Snake. It was a very late night and we all should have had much better things to do. Characters of courtesy of R. Takahashi. From all three of to RT – we're really sorry. We just couldn't help ourselves! Warning for very sour lemon content!_

**InuYasha! Scourge of the Sierra Madre!**

**alterfano** Kagome remembered she'd been pruning roses in the desert, wearing nothing but a thin gauze camisole and a pair of leather riding chaps. For some strange reason, she'd forgotten her regular pants and undies that day, and her horse was no where to be found. The next thing she knew, she opened her azure eyes to find herself bound to a goshinboku tree which had mysteriously rooted itself in an underground grotto. And what to her wondering eyes should appear? None other than Zorro, scourge of the Sierra Madre, advancing on her lustily, his identity completely masked by the skimpy black mask he wore to cover his big yellow eyes and long white hair. Rakishly ripping off his flat black hat (which had little balls hanging off it), he revealed another mysterious clue to the man behind the mask. Once freed from the confines of the hat, two little puppy ears popped up off the top of his head. Kagome was shocked to see that his tight black leather hakama pants barely masked his intent.

As he moved closer she struggled to free herself, but to no avail. Soon his hot breath blew welcome beads of sweat on her neck in the dry desert air.

"Want to get away, my lovely?" his voice splashed over her, chilling over her heat.

"Unhand me, you beast!" She said reflexively, inside herself hoping desperately he would speak to her again, stoking her inner fire.

"But I'm not handing you yet, my sweet," his hand moved to her breast, "now I am." Kagome sucked in her breath at his touch, unconsciously pushing her now happy breast further into his clawed paw.

"That's not what I meant, you animal," she said, trying to keep the conversation going.

"I am not an animal," he said in his best Elephant Man voice, "I have the lust of an animal and the intelligence of a man. But I'm all male" He kissed her ready lips before she could reply. His lips were rough and dry from the desert air, and his tongue was hard, probing her inner chasm (mouth). She pooled into jelly beneath his probes. "You are sweet, like jelly," he whispered, pulling away to lay small kisses on her face.

"I'm…," she forgot what she was saying. His kisses trailed down her neck until they encountered the ropes binding her helpless. Then she remembered something. She was a master swordswoman! "You're … a coward. No true rascal would take advantage of a lady without giving her a fighting chance! Untie me, and see if you can take me then!" 

"Ah, an intriguing proposition, my little vixen," he pulled away, his honey eyes dripping onto her through the peepholes in the mask. "You think you can best me in a fair fight?" He smirked a roguish smile that bared sexy little fangs at her. 

Pressing himself against her so he could reach around to untie her bonds, she felt the hardness of him everywhere and imagined the rippling muscles she could see chiseling through his black leather outfit, fashioned after an ancient Japanese costume, but with the definition of batman. Her thrill knew no bounds and it was all she could do to keep from throwing her arms around him and straddling herself to give him full access to her open riding pants.

As her ropes fell to the ground, tangling themselves in her feet, he had to hold her against him so she didn't trip over them. Unsuccessful at untangling herself, she let him hoist her in his arms and carry her across the grotto. The tie to her shirt had been ripped in the abduction and its neck fell open across her chest, barely covering her perky pups. He set her down gently and gestured to a rack of sharp objects.

"Choose your weapon," he said humorously. 

"I choose the sword!" She announced as she picked up the heaviest weapon she could handle and moved into attack stance, facing him.

"You like swords, do you?" He said dangerously as he unsheathed his own rusty blade. She watched in amazement as the dilapidated thing began to expand and grow, throbbing with energy in his manly hold. It penetrated the air between them until it was at least 7 feet long, reaching out to her until it hovered just under her nose, almost brushing her lips.

"Let's play!" He growled lusciously.

**ouatic7**Tentatively she ran her own saber down the sides of the larger blade, love taps really, getting a feel for its size, and heft. It bobbed in a friendly manner.

Kagome inhaled sharply, there was no way she could take that monster, but she had to try. Hoping to distract Zorro, she started playing with her own breast, pulling on it, flicking it, until it was deliciously hard.

Sure enough, Zorro's eyes had fallen from her face but, if anything, his sword seemed longer, harder, stronger.

**alterfano**: Its bobbing became more urgent and she knew that with only a few more flicks she would be able to cross her sword with his sabre, bringing him to his knees.

But he surprised her and bumped his enormous dagger against her chest just lightly enough to split the flimsy fabric over her breasts so that her frisky pups were fully exposed. The weapon in his hands vibrated against her bare skin, almost as if with excitement and her own weapon, a mere stiletto in comparison, quivered in response.

She knew she was in trouble, but she saw a way out.

**ouatic7**: Regretting the use of her feminine wiles, Kagome shimmied slowly out of the remains of her camisole, dancing ever closer to Zorro, her pink nosed pups jouncing almost hypnotically.

Success! She was well within the Zorro's guard. Surely he would not be able to wield that immense weapon so close to his person.

She moved to strike but Zorro looked at her with molten, golden eyes that heated her pearlescent flesh to a rosey pink even as he caught her faltering weapon in his clawed hand. 'Perhaps,' she thought, 'for a woman, surrender is not defeat?'

**alterfano**: His sexy smirk turned dangerous, and she remembered - Oh! That's right! I'm a master swordswoman! Piroetting nimbly she took advantage of his plight as he juggled both his sword and her saber, finding himself momentarily without free paws. Twirling around in front of him, bare pupped and perky, she slammed her luscious rear into his bulging black leather hakama pants, causing his engorged sword to clatter to the ground, shrinking back to its pre-turgid state, even as his black-leather-hakama-pants-imprisoned dagger swelled with desire.

**nokomarie** With a faint tearing sound the front seam of his leather hakama let go and his velvet-sheathed hammer sprang forth, tip already adorned by the pearlescent evidence of his surging desire.

Kagome felt a warm and, yet slimy, prod at her pert backside as he wantonly nosed her nether lips aside with his mighty steel made flesh.

"On your knees, mujer and feel the love of Zorro!.

**alterfano**: The Love of Zorro" was expertly thrusting and parrying with her little pleasure plushie and she briefly wondered how such a master swordswoman had ended up in such a delicately compromising position. This briefly worrisome thought found no grasp in her increasingly addled brain and before she knew it, his clawed paws were bladeless and wrapping her in a muscular hold, teasing her pups to come out and play.

**ouatic7****** Like a master conductor, Zorro urged her to greater and greater heights with the deft movements of his baton until she was on the brink of a magnificent crescendo.

**alterfano**: Vaguely wondering where the music in her head was coming from, Kagome rode wave after wave of her plushy's pleasure atop his mighty steel made flesh. His hispanic howls of hedonism drowned out all the music crescendoing around and inside her.

**nokomarie**: The searing explosion of compleation consumed them both as they both cried out from the magnificant rupture. They both subsided to the ground, still joined, his arms clasped about her lithsome waste. 

"How was that?" He cooed in her shell-like ear as he dandled her pups in pleasure.

**alterfano**: She looked across the grotto floor, where his sword and her saber lay across each other in peaceful bliss.

"Who won?" She asked muzzily.

"If I tell you I won," she could hear the smirk in his voice, "you'll have to fight me again, won't you?"

Rolling her eyes, she whispered, "later," and promptly fell asleep.

END (Thank your lucky stars!)


	3. Fangrlz Revenge Manga Ch 4865

_**A/N:** Well, Shonen Week is taking a break this week between InuYasha manga chapters 486 and 487, and she's leaving us hanging with Inu drunk in Kagome's lap! And, of course, many of us fangirls have been making fun of the fact that if Inu was ever gonna come on to Kagome, this should be the time for him to do it! I mean, come on, Inu… the series is almost over – you're running out of time to get in her skirt! So here's my Christmas present for all those wanna-squee fangirls out there. No real spoilers (except that Inu gets drunk, which you already know from reading this A/N). I suspect you can enjoy this just fine even if you don't keep up with the current manga. **Disclaimer**: InuYasha and crew, including the magic sake jars, belong to Rumiko Takahashi. Not me. **Warning**: This fic devolves into stupidity pretty rapidly. I assure you that all misspellings and broken writing rules are entirely intentional (ahem, yes to Dreaming Trees... that IS me in the Geezer Gear)._

**InuYasha Chapter 486.5 - Fangrlz Revenge**

"Totosai is such an idiot," InuYasha growled, stalking down the hill, sake fumes filling his nose. "Why did he send us to a fucking brewery to fix Sango's boomerang?" While muttering this out loud, what the half-demon was really thinking was, _I am so fucking tired of whacking down miscellaneous monsters every week! I wanna kill fucking Naraku and get on with my life! It's been ten years already and I'm sure there's something else I should be doing… _The rest of his company followed more slowly, looking over the small valley filled with what smelled like large jars of alcohol.

"A nice blend, it seems," Miroku took a deep sniff. Kagome and Sango just looked at each other, eyebrows arched. Being _good girls_, neither one of them had ever even sipped the stuff.

InuYasha was yelling at a little old man that looked to be just another old Geezer trying to 'help' by confusing the hell out of them. Despite his usual violent tactics, the hanyou did manage to convey the plight of Sango's melted hiriakotsu to the old guy, who promptly reached out magically long arms to plop Sango in one oversized sake jar and her bone weapon in another.

"Gah!" Miroku ran up to the jar his betrothed had disappeared into, staring into the dark waters. "Where is she? Is she okay?"

"She's going to repair her weapon in there -- or not," Geezer said mysteriously.

Down deep in the sake jar, Sango blinked her eyes open to the fact that not only could she breathe just fine as she floated in a warm wash of sake, but she was surrounded by a bunch of low-life demons. They looked like all the MOWs (_translation: Monsters of the Week_) the gang had ever fought.

"Ack!" She said and brandished her sword. "Take that!"

"Hey!" one of the monsters spoke up. "That can't touch us. And you should know by watching InuYasha that whacking things with your sword is no way to get an upgrade!"

"An upgrade?" Sango was flabbergasted. "You mean _I_ finally get an upgrade and don't have to stand around narrating any more?"

"Upgrade? Yes," said the nearest monster. "Get out of narration duty? Not likely. Let's just remember who's name is on the marquee, shall we?"

"Whatever, how do I get an upgrade if I don't whack at you with my sword?" Sango was perplexed.

"Well, what _does_ InuYasha do to get his Tetsusaiga upgrades?" another monster asked.

"Whacks at monsters," said yet another.

"Oh," said the first. "I guess I was wrong then. Whack away!"

And Sango resumed her whacking.

Back on the outside, Miroku was still staring into the sake jar with obvious concern that Sango had just exited the series and that he was next.

"Don't' worry, Miroku." Myoga squeaked and jumped into the nearest jar to do the backstroke. "It's magic sake. I can see Sango from here. She's whacking at demons!"

"What?" Miroku ran over to Myoga's sake jar and peered down into nothingness. "She's getting an upgrade?" Miroku looked upset and Shippo jumped on his shoulder, petting his ponytail to soothe him.

"Why does Sango get an upgrade when all Miroku does is just keep poisoning himself? Asked Shippou innocently.

"If this keeps up, I'm just gonna die!" Miroku wailed, knocking Shippou even further onto the sidelines with Kilala.

"Gah!" Geezer was not happy about the flea in his reserve blend and began rushing past InuYasha to swat at the situation. "Get out of there you stupid bug!"

InuYasha grabbed Geezer by the scruff of his yukata and held him up in the air.

"My fucking flea can go swimming wherever he fucking wants to." The hanyou glowered, completely missing the fact that Myoga's little eyes had filled with tears of joy that his master would defend his vassal with such a strong sense of flealty.

"You know what your problem is, hanyou?" Geezer glowered back at him with a mischievous smirk, as though InuYasha had just played right into his trap.

"No. What's my problem, Geezer?" InuYasha had that sour look on his face he gets pretty much all the time.

"You need a good fuck," Geezer began to smile.

"Huh?" InuYasha's eyes went wide and his ears drooped. He had clearly not been ready for this. A punch in the nose – sure. A spell of some kind – possibly. But – an invitation to get laid by some old guy in a Geezer suit? _No fucking way._

"What are you talking about?" Kagome seemed even more flustered than her would-be boyfriend, visions of yaoi between InuYasha and the old fart dancing in her head. She blinked a few times, unsuccessfully trying to clear away the image. "InuYasha wouldn't do that!"

"I wouldn't be so sure, young lady." Geezer slid his eyes over at her. "And now that I think about it, you could use one too."

"What? Me?" Kagome looked confused. "Why?"

InuYasha just blinked. _Kagome could use a good fuck?_

"Well, let's see…" Geezer answered Kagome's question. "You don't use your magic bow half the times you ought to, for one." The old guy started counting on his fingers. "And for another, lately you've kind of fallen into the narration trap yourself. And for a third, you're getting really snippy…" Kagome blanched, _How did he know these things? _Seeing her distress, InuYasha finally woke up out of his stupor.

"Shut up, Geezer." The hanyou looked dangerous, his ears still down, but his fangs now bared. "Don't tell Kagome she needs a good fuck!"

"Why not? You should try it some time." Geezer was not intimidated by the growl and claws that rose in front of him. "You'd make a whole lotta fangirls really happy if you did." As InuYasha's claws swiped the air where Geezer had been only a second before, the old guy popped up behind Kagome and grabbed her shoulders.

"Hey! No way am I letting you fuck Kagome!" InuYasha jumped to where Kagome stood looking frightened, only to find nothing there. The Geezer had disappeared with her, reappearing behind another jar a few feet away.

"Not me, idiot!" Geezer rolled his eyes. "No wonder you two can't get laid." And with that, he stretched impossibly long arms over Kagome's head, grabbing InuYasha by the shoulders and heaving him into the air, dunking him head first in the nearest jar.

"What did you do to InuYasha?" Kagome ran to the jar's lip.

"What's the matter girl?" Geezer said. "Afraid you'll never get laid now?"

"No!" Kagome said defiantly and peered over the edge of the jar where InuYasha had disappeared. "InuYasha!"

"What?" The hanyou's head popped up out of a jar further down the hill. "Hey! I can see Sango!"

"Sango!" Miroku ran down the hill to InuYasha's jar. "Is she alright?"

"Yep." InuYasha blinked a few times as though trying to focus on something on the end of his nose. "She's got a fight on her hands though."

"Sango!" Before anyone could say anything, Miroku leapt in InuYasha's jar, disappearing into the darkness.

"Wah!" InuYasha cried as the splash of the monk's dive pushed him against the edge of the jar and filled his mouth with fiery drink. He coughed a spluttered for a minute.

"That was stupid." Geezer leaned against the jar he'd thrown InuYasha into. "The monk'll never get to her."

"What?" Kagome had a note of panic in her voice, everyone getting to drink the sake but her. "What do you mean? He's in love with her, I just know he is despite what the fangirls say about him! Why can't he get to her?"

"When you're in the jar, you can only face your greatest fear." Geezer leaned over to peer into the sake. Thinking of Sango's current predicament he added, "Or… uh… something equally difficult."

"Gah!" Miroku's head burst out of a jar several feet from the one he'd jumped into. "I can't get to her!"

"Told 'ya." Geezer said.

Kagome ran down the hill to InuYasha's jar. "Get out of there, InuYasha! Before you get drunk!"

"I ain't drunk." He looked at her, his cheeks flaming red. "Why are there two Kagomes?" He gulped as he sucked up another mouthful of the stuff.

"Come on, InuYasha! Get out!" Kagome grabbed his arm and he compliantly spilled himself over the side of the jar to land in a heap at her feet. "You _are_ drunk," she accused.

"I ain't drunk." His words were slurred.

"I ain't either," came Miroku's voice from somewhere in the grove of jars. He seemed to be swimming from jar to jar, searching for Sango – or… "Wah! Stay away from me! No! I'm not really like that-" Kagome would have been worried about the monk if her hanyou protector didn't look so completely incapable of protecting her or anything else just then.

"What's in this stuff, fucking Geezer of the Month?" InuYasha seemed to have grown more charming. "I don't feel so good."

"Of course you don't." Geezer said, putting his hands on his hips in exasperation. "You've never been laid. What do you expect?"

"Stop saying that!" Kagome's face was flushed. Everyone but her was floating in a sake daze and the only one who had his wits about him seemed intent on getting her laid.

"Does sex help make you not want to throw up?" InuYasha's face was kind of lopsided, Kagome thought, watching him begin to slip sideways down the outside of the jar.

"Why don't you find out?" Geezer reached out to grab the hanyou again, but this time as he lifted him off the ground, Kagome threw her arms around the front of InuYasha's waist trying to save him. "Fine." Geezer said, exasperated. "Maybe the two of you together will figure it out." And with that, he lifted them both in the air and stuffed them head first into another sake jar.

As they sunk beneath the surface, Miroku's head popped up from where they'd disappeared and said "Ouch!"

Kagome hugged InuYasha tight as they entered the liquid, refusing to let go even when she felt his strong legs trying to swim. The swimming motions of his hips jerked him in her grasp and she gripped him harder, realizing only belatedly that she'd grabbed a handful of the tightest ass she'd ever felt (only having felt one) and her breasts were pressed up against something … different. Something about it excited her even as it frightened her and she hung on, afraid to move, until _it_ moved and scared the crap out of her. She let go then, keeping her eyes screwed tightly shut, and felt InuYasha's hands under her arms, lifting her up.

"Kagome!" He yelled in her face. She blinked her eyes open to see him staring at her with an unfocused gaze. His voice sounded as though they were not in liquid, and yet they floated as if they were.

"What?" She asked.

They were both blushing.

"Oh good. You're not dead." He blinked and held her closer, wrapping an arm around her waist, like he usually did when she was in distress, but something – again – was different. Maybe he was still worried about her. Maybe he wanted to feel closer to her. Maybe he was shit-faced drunk. "Why are there three of you now?" he asked.

"I'm just me!" An old frustration rose in her. "Ka – go- me!"

"Oh, I see," he looked on either side of her face and smiled, a strange look in his golden eyes. Kagome felt another movement at her hip that sent an unfamiliar flush into her cheeks just as InuYasha said, as though she stood between two other girls who he was meeting for the first time, "Ka. Go. Me. Cool. Threesome."

"No, baka!" She forced his arms away, the pressure of her push floating her backwards, away from him.

"Where you goin'?" He looked hurt.

"You're scaring me, InuYasha." As the words came out of her mouth, she realized they were true. Where was her strong protector? Why hadn't he saved her from getting tossed in here? How could he help her if he was shit-face drunk? What was that… that… _thing_ in his pants? _Oh my god! It's true! My fears are in here!_ Panicked, she turned and tried to get away. Somehow or other, flailing her limbs around, she managed to pop up out of a jar. Breaking the surface, she opened her mouth to gulp a fresh breath of air and ended up sucking in a mouthful of sake instead. Coughing and spluttering, she clung to the side of the jar.

"Kagome!" InuYasha's voice found her from three jars over. "Wate there!" His head dunked down and he was gone.

She thought about climbing out, but was feeling dizzy and weak and didn't think her arms would pull her out. He might be drunk, but he'd always managed to save her somehow, so she decided to follow his instructions and stay put. Relaxing a little, she realized that she felt warm and wonderful, suddenly. A little giggle threatened to seep out the corner of her mouth. As she leaned her forehead against her hands, her body drifted up, rising in the liquid and she relaxed into its warm current, letting her legs float out behind her. She peeked over the edge of the jar and when she saw that no one was looking, she lowered her head to take another little sip. She wasn't feeling afraid now, and when she remembered grabbing InuYasha's ass and that _thing_ bobbing around between her breasts, she felt something else.

InuYasha looked all around him, twisting in a circle until his own hair got in his way as it floated in the sake. He was trying to figure out how to get to Kagome's jar. Sometimes he caught glimpses of Miroku or Sango, but mostly - everywhere he looked - all he could see were Kagome's bare legs floating somewhere untouchable near him. Her skirt floated up over her waist, revealing skimpy white underwear as she spread her legs in the warm liquid. In his drunken haze, his body responded naturally to the sight, continuing to stiffen – having already started when she'd pressed her breasts into him and grabbed his ass.

He found his growing appendage a little annoying, coming at a time he really should be trying to save her, not think about fucking her. _Now where did that thought come from? Four hundred and eighty six chapters without thinking that and all of a sudden, it's all I can think of? _It soon became obvious that the thinking-about-fucking part of himself was here to stay. His inhibitions being just about obliteratedanyway,and having so little experience in the matter, he tried to bat it down, but that had the unfortunate effect of stimulating him more so he tried to ignore it. That, too, turned out to be futile so he decided to just concentrate on finding Kagome with his hakama pants tented out in front of him. _Maybe she's drunk and won't notice_. Picking a direction at random, he struck out, trying to swim against nothing. _This is all that old Geezer's fault for suggesting Kagome should get fucked. I'd have never thought of it on my own._

Of course he couldn't see the rabid fangirl unzip herself out of the Geezer costume and sneak into the woods, chortling something that sounded vaguely like _My work here is done_.

Kagome closed her eyes and enjoyed the soft liquid motions of the sake moving in her and around her at the same time. As her mind wandered, she rolled over to float on her back, sinking down into the depths of the jar, suspended. Behind her closed eyes, she saw a fire burning.

InuYasha passed between the visions of Kagome's floating legs at least ten times, getting him all excited only to realize the were just illusions. After the third or fourth Kagome he'd floated through, he began to feel a little panic. What if he could never get to her? What if she'd always been just a dream? This fear had plagued him ever since having read about four hundred fanfics on this theme. She seemed real enough, but did it really make sense that she was from the future? What about all those time warp theories they were ignoring? Sometimes it all just seemed so implausible, which just didn't bode well for the ending… He kept swimming, reaching for her skirt to drag her to him and grasping a handful of alcohol instead.

Here and there he caught glances of Sango fighting a demon hoard and Miroku staring in terror at something unseen. Frustrated, he decided to come up for air to get his bearings. Unfortunately, his bearings were already so way off that he ended up sinking even farther down into his current jar, where it was dark. His hand swept by a piece of cloth – her skirt? -- and he grabbed it, gripping it and dragging it back in the other direction – where he hoped to find the real world. As he pulled the dead weight in the cloth he glanced down to see a little rat tail just above the fabric in his grip. _Miroku!_

He turned Miroku's limp form around and found the monk's face frozen, eyes wide.

"Mrku!" InuYasha yelled as loud as he could and noticed how hard it was to form a complete word. Behind the monk's head he caught a glimpse of Kagome's body floating by, her shirt drifting up over the bare skin of her stomach now. He brought his attention back with difficulty. Miroku blinked and looked at him. InuYasha thought he should try again to get through to his friend. "Let me g- you t- fuck o- ov here!" Miroku's eyes widened even more, having just thought he heard InuYasha say _Let me fuck you over here, _instead of _Let me get you the fuck out of here! _ Miroku shook his head soundlessly in little exaggerated shivers.

"No, InuYsh." He seemed as unable to form words as the hanyou. "I rilly do lik girlz."

"Wut?" InuYasha stopped trying to pull them to the surface and pulled him closer instead, trying to understand what he'd said. "Yu lick girlz?" He was careful to try and enunciate his words for clarity's sake. "Yu R such a prvert." The hanyou wrapped an arm around Miroku's back, hooking a hand under his shoulder and holding him tight to his chest so he could try to swim up to the surface – or what he thought was the surface anyway.

Strange things happened then.

As InuYasha's legs thrust out in a frog kick, his arousal from all the floating Kagomes poked Miroku in the stomach, just above his own monkhood. Miroku felt this and threw his arms and legs around the hanyou, trapping his lower body in a vise grip. When he realized he couldn't move his lower half, InuYasha was at first puzzled but quickly began to panic when he felt something else.

"Mrku!" InuYasha gripped the monk's ears, forcibly unburrowing his face from his chest where Miroku had stuffed it, eyes squeezed shut. "Wut thu fuck R yu duing?" Miroku looked at him with confusion and a pained expression, having just heard him say, _I want to fuck you_.

"Yes!" The monk shook his head as though to clear it. "No!" He shook it again, looking this time as though all the shaking was just making him sick. "I done kno, InuYsh…" He squeezed his eyes shut again. "Butt I think yur sexy too!" InuYasha stopped moving and stared straight ahead, confusion on his face-gone-blank. _What the fuck?_ Miroku peeped an eye open, only to see the look of total shock on InuYasha's face. Maybe he should try to explain. "I… I m a guy…"

"I kno that, dumi," InuYasha still hadn't moved, trying to decide whether to try to calm Miroku who was clearly upset – or kill him.

"No. I meen, yesss." Miroku was really having trouble. "I appreceeate sexy flesh, no matter hoo itz on. Butt thass jush in my dreems. In reel life I lik grlz. I jush… kan't hep it. I lik to tuch sexy flesh." Then he made his big mistake. Releasing his hold on InuYasha's waist with one arm, he floated away from the hanyou's body a few inches and lifted his free hand to lay it on the hanyou's manly excitement as it strained the constraints of the firerat, still stimulated by many bare Kagome legs sharing the jar with them. "Butt thiz…" Miroku looked lovingly at the bulge beneath his fingers and InuYasha felt a responding poke of Miroku's _thiz_ on his leg, sending a cold shiver down his spine. "Thiz iz makn me wundr-"

"Wholy shit, Mrku," InuYasha tangled his fingers in the front of the monk's robes and hoisted him up, so they were staring eye-to-eye. Unfortunately, this had the effect of poking them into each other. "Arrrrr!" InuYasha growled in a sort of pirate-like way, "I done rilly do yaoi, munk. Tel that to thoz fangrlz for meee. U leev now or I keel joo." And with a mighty heave that sent InuYasha and his head spinning, the hanyou tossed the monk out the top of the jar with a shudder.

Kagome was still floating, moving closer to the fire she saw burning. It was Kaede's village and she began to tremble as she recognized the scene from the vision Naraku had given her of InuYasha and Kikyou's last moments. _Not again!_ She shut her eyes against the images that came at her, crowding her with bigger-than-life views of InuYasha under a spell and kissing Kikyou, rushing off to find Kikyou for the hundredth time, holding Kikyou in his arms… Her fears kept forcing themselves into her mind, even when her eyes were closed and before she knew it the warm excitement of falling into the sake with InuYasha was gone, replaced by the same ol' same ol' nightmare she kept hoping ten years of comic strips would have found a way not to repeat.

_But I got the bow! _She thought to herself. _I should be over that now!_

_**But InuYasha still hasn't accepted you,** _a little voice in her head said, sounding amazingly similar to the Old Geezer. **_He's still letting MOWs like Spaghetti man get him all upset over Kikyou, making you second banana everywhere except on the calendar art. _**

_But what do it do? I can't keep living like this! Hoping and hoping and never being satisfied!_

**_It won't be over until he kisses you – at least. _**This thought surprised her._Why haven't I ever thought of that before? _That was all they needed. A simple little kiss and ten years of unrequited love would be satisfied – NOT!

Suddenly, a hand gripped her shoulder. Opening her eyes she saw InuYasha looking at her with concern. Fuzzy concern, but concern all the same.

"Kag!" He shook her a little to get her attention. "R U O K?" She just stared at him, afraid to say or do anything, as usual, afraid that if she told him her fears he would confirm them.

"Cum on, Kag." He put an arm around her shoulders, pressing her against him and tried once again to swim out. She was highly aware of his lean, hard body bumping and poking against her, apparently only having become more excited while they were apart. _Did he see Kikyou in the water too?_

"No!" She pushed out of his grip and they floated facing each other.

"Now wut?" He looked pissed, which would have been funny, what with that big bulge in his pants and all, if Kagome hadn't been too upset to notice. Clueless girl.

"Yu… " She couldn't finish. "Yu luv Kik'o." She buried her face in her hands and cried.

_Fuck,_ thought InuYasha. _Here we go again._

"Shit, Kag. Can wee git over the Kik'o thing?" His eyes watched her skirt float lazily up to reveal her bare legs and he realized suddenly – finally!!!! - in his sake haze that he really _did_ want to get past the Kikyou thing and get over something else.

"No!" Kagome was still crying, hiding her face. "I keeeeep thnk'n we'll keel sum othr MOW an yu'll cum runin'g 'nto mi arms…" She twisted her body away from him, her clothes floating up to reveal white underwear and a lacey pink bra. "But u juz done git it." The realization hit her then, she was stuck in this story, trying for ten years to make the guy she loved figure it out, and he just wasn't going to. It was beyond his ability. Just way too far Out Of Character for him, cute as he was. If she ever wanted to grow up and be sixteen, she was going to have to leave him. Leave the jar. Leave the past. Get on with her life. End it already! _Four hundred and eighty six chapters is my limit. I'll go to five hundred to kill the bad guy, but then I'm outta here._

InuYasha had no idea what was really going through her mind, but he knew it wasn't good. He'd never pretended to understand girls, and when Kagome muttered something about waiting for him to kill another monster and then run into her – well, this just confused the hell out of him. Luckily, the sight of her bare skin caught his attention and he blinked a few times, focusing on her belly button. How could he never have seen it before in those clothes she wore?

"Im leeving…" she said and started trying to swim away. He'd seen her do this a bunch of times before, but this time was different and her awkward motions away from him stabbed fear into his heart. He'd finally gotten a hard-on and now she was leaving? _No fucking way_.

"Git bak heer." He grabbed her ankle and yanked her towards him. Grabbing her other ankle, he pulled her back until her butt bumped his groin again. She kept trying to swim away and he grabbed her awkwardly by the hip bones.

**_Nice aim, dude. _**The voice in his head sounded – again – a lot like the old Geezer.

_Who the fuck is that?_ Being drunk, InuYasha didn't recognize the Geezer's voice, but thought he was talking to some alter-ego-thingy.

**_I'm the sword, dude. _**Liar.

_What? Tetsusaiga? You can talk?_

_**What? You can listen?**_

_I'm busy here._

_**I just thought I'd butt in and give you a little advice.**_

_I've got a butt right here, thank you. Can we talk some other time?_

**_Listen. I'll shut up here in a second. But since your inhibitions are down and you can here me, I gotta tell 'ya- _**

_What!?_

_**You gotta get a handle on your temper, dude.**_

_My temper? WTF? You're my stupidly huge sword and you've been the alternative to my dick for too long! Who are you to give me advice about getting puffed up and trying to impale things?_

_**Dude. I'm your friend. I'm helping you here. **_

_Help me more by shutting the fuck up! _Kagome was now struggling in his grasp and he was beginning to like it.

'_**K. Just one word of advice before i go.**_

_What?!_

_**Sheath.**_

_WTF?_

_**Get yourself a fucking sheath, dude. Best thing I ever did.**_

_You're a sword, 'dude.' Of course you need a sheath. I'm a- _Suddenly, Kagome bent over and parted her legs around his thighs. The teeny tiniest part of his brain recognized that she was just trying to escape with the frog kick, but a much bigger part of him noticed the proximity of her sheath to his sword.

_Oh…Now I get it. Thanks, dude._

The Geezer-inhabited sword lay silent on his hip as he managed to focus on only four of her in front of him. All the struggling Kagomes were confusing so he closed his eyes and just paid attention to the one he could feel. Gripping her waist more firmly he lifted her in the liquid, turning her until he could get her in a vise grip against his chest, his sword seeking her sheath from yet another angle. Finally knowing where she was, he opened his eyes to find hers wide before him.

"Wut R U doing, Inu?" She looked freaked.

"Yu'r rilly fuzzi." He blinked at her as she frowned at him. "Srsly."

"Yu'r drunk," she said.

"So R U," he said.

"So?" she said.

"I git it now," he said. "U rilly du think I want Kik'o."

She just blushed and looked away, her heart pounding against his, as she tried not to think about his body poking into her. This turned out to be impossible.

"I got neews fur U, Kag," he said, his hand slipping down her back. "Kik'os ded. Lotz a thymes."

"So?" she said. "That nevr stoppd U frum kizzing hur."

"Thaz nut the point," he said, feeling the point acutely as her legs moved in the floaty liquid, scissoring against him. Her hair floated lazily around her face and her lips pouted. How did he never notice her cute pink lips before? Then he remembered he didn't get _Shonen Week_ to see the color spreads, but only saw the black and whites on the internet. She never had lips in those.

"Itz been lotz ov chpters I'v wanna kiz U," he said, bringing her face around to his and holding her tight against him. "Chap 486.5 iz a niz roun number. How 'bout now?"

Her eyes grew wide and her mouth fell open. Taking that as a _yes,_ he tried to kiss her but aimed at the wrong Kagome, skimming her cheek with his. Her nose buried into his hair and she laughed.

"Baka," she said quietly and took his face in her hands, bringing their lips together lightly.

They stared at each other for a minute as the echo of a thousand fangirls' _squeeing_ reverberated around inside the jar.

"Weeee made sumone hippy," InuYasha muttered, slipping his hand under her skirt to cup her rear end. As his hand slipped beneath her underwear and stroked her smooth skin careful not to scrape her with his claws, another part of him poked at her and she smiled.

"Lotz a sumones," she said. He kissed her again and this time, their lips stayed together longer, their bodies becoming fully entwined.

"Um," Kagome said, pulling back finally. "Im worreeed 'bout Sngo. I see shez ok, butt shudunt weeee hep her?"

"No wai," he muttered, kissing her again. "Shez fyne." She kissed back hard this time, and his head spun suddenly with more than sake. "Kag?"

"Wut?" She tried to focus on his face before her and found his images swimming all around her. It was nice to see him everywhere she looked, and his taste was still in her mouth. He tasted better than she'd imagined.

"Lez du it." His eyes were so golden… she almost replied that she didn't know what he meant, but an extra poke told her exactly what he meant and she flushed a hundred shades of pink.

"Heer?"

He nodded.

"Now?"

He nodded.

"Rilly?"

He nodded. "Cum on, Kag. Weer in a saki jar. No 'un 'ill evr see us…" All the fangirls sniggered. "Weer soused on saki. Itz a great excuz... whut du weee hav to luze?" His claw carefully tore away her underwear as his other hand found that lacy pink bra by skimming up under her shirt.

"Wut du weee hav to luze?" Kagome looked mad but her body was very excited. "Mi virgnity fur one thng!"

"Gimmee brake!" He laughed. "Thoz fangrlz hav takin yu'r virgnity so many thymes therz nuthin lef fur mee!" He lifted her shirt to watch his hand slip her bra strap off her shoulder, causing another poke. "Iznt 'bout thyme I got sumthin outta thiz?"

"Wut 'bout u?" Kagome asked, beginning to untie his pants. "How cum the fangrlz always git _Inu thu Sex God_, and I git stuk wth _Inu thu Angster_? Wherz thu justiss in that?" He didn't really have a very good cumback and thought it the better part of valor to just keep his mouth shut for a change, except to open it when her tongue wanted in.

"I cun tri to beee a sex god for U, if U wan…" He knew the sake was making him overconfident, but it wasn't like this would be the first time – for overconfidence anyway.

"I wanna…" They flailed around for a few minutes, removing clothes and touching body parts. Finally, they were naked and floating in front of each other. The fangirls leered, unseen around them.

"Whoa!" Kagome's eyes bulged, looking at his excitement. "The fangrlz wur rite!"

InuYasha looked down at all twelve inches of himself and blushed. "Wul, you kno Takahasi haz a great imiginashun!"

"Wurks fur meee!" Kagome swam towards him until they were entwined again. Then he stopped and she asked him, "Wut now?"

"Don wanna babi," he blushed.

"Don wurry," she kissed him. "Weer cartunes. Cartunes cant hav babis."_ (Note to reader: in the real world, the cartoon method of birth control is totally useless. Only try it if you want to get pregnant.)_

Things went along fine there for a few minutes until he managed to get in her. The feelings were awesome and they both moaned and groaned a bit until he realized something was wrong.

"Iz nut wurkin'!" InuYasha sounded desperate, and he felt pretty desperate by that point.

"Wut?" Kagome looked worried.

"I gut no leverage!" And he was right. Floating in the sake jar, he couldn't get a purchase on anything to really push into her like he needed to.

"Hm." Kagome looked around them. "Lez tri thiz." She waved her arms around behind her until he was above her and they were floating parallel to the bottom of the jar. "Sit!" She yelled and he slammed down on top of her.

They both gasped as the magic spell drove him down on her with wonderful and satisfying results.

"Du it again!" InuYasha was ecstatic, which made Kagome very happy.

"Sit! Sit! Sit!" She kept going until finally they reached the bottom of the jar where the magic sex commands had their full effect, smashing him into her over and over until they both came in a burst of drunken joy.

"That wuz grate!" InuYasha hugged her. "Letz du it again wen weee git out ov heer."

"Uh, no." Kagome paled, imagining herself impaled under the full force of gravity by her own magic. "U'll have to du it urselv up top."

"'K." He seemed to think he could handle this challenge, though the fangirls debated amongst themselves as to whether he was ready for a sober sexual encounter just yet. "Gez we shud go fine Mirku 'n Sngo now."

"Gez so." Kagome looked around for their clothes, which were floating all over the place. They managed to get dressed and find a jar opening to spill themselves out of. Miroku was over under a tree with the Geezer, looking really seriously at his beaded hand.

_A/N: Damn. Back to the reality of the fact that the End is Nigh in about fifteen chapters or so. _

Laying in a wet and happy heap, ignoring the reality of the script, InuYasha heard a buzzing in his ears and flicked them, tickling Kagome's chin as he lay on top of her.

"Wutz that?" He asked fuziily.

"Wut? The buzzng?" Kagome didn't even open her eyes for fear the world would spin again.

"Sounds lik a bunch a emails," he said, not even aware of the strange jargon coming out of his mouth. In fact, the hanyou was very astute, having picked up on the humming and clicking of computers all over the world working overtime as fangirls everywhere posted frantic blog postings and list serve messages about the 'drunken kiss 'n fuck' they'd just witnessed, staying up late into the night to engage in the rampant email exchanges and debates this flurry of excitement lit in fandom.

"Lisun," she said, frowning a little in an effort to concentrate. She could have sworn she heard a whisper. Faint but clear in the Geezer's voice. _**We're dying to know… try stroking his ear and see if it really turns him on**, _the voice said. _That sounds like a gud idea,_ she thought, and so she tried, tweaking the soft and wet fur of his ear.

"Gah!" he cried, raising off her in a panic. "Done du that!"

_I knew it!_ said the Geezer.

_Sorry_. Came the whisper of a million emails whooshing across the internet.

They lay like that until the beginning of Chapter 487, when Takahashi-san reclaimed their virginity as though nothing had happened and set about advancing the story again, seeking The End all too rapidly for the fangirls.

But… InuYasha and Kagome had not forgotten their sneak chapter and pledged to each other and all the fangrlz clicking on keyboards out in cyber-sake-land to keep fucking their brains out in fanfic when Takahashi-san finally took a break.

_**The end of this silliness…**_


	4. InuYasha is a Pirate

_Written for Firsttweak Community on LiveJournal_

**Title**: InuYasha is a Pirate (Subtitle: Kagome is a Laundress)

**Author**: Unclaimed

**Rating**: _Arrrrrrrrrrr_ (a.k.a. PG-13)

**Wordcount**: 300

**Genre**: Pirate!Fic

**Prompt**: Laundry

**Warning**: Ahoy! Awful Alliteration Ahead

**Summary**: Kouga is a Pirate, II

**Disclaimer**: I blame my betas, who swore sobriety and found every 'P' word in the dictionary, except 'plot.'

_**Tortuga, 1770…**_

InuYasha the Pirate ploddingly pondered the oily rum poured into his glass. His other hand gripped the potion's empty pitcher possessively.

_Arrr. Now, all I need is for Kagome the Laundress to get off work so I can poke 'er._

"Arrr." A plastered voice arrr'd next to his ear, and he pirouetted to see Kouga the Pirate pulling back his fist. "InuYasha, you scurvy pup!"

The plaster partition protruded before exploding next to Kagome the Laundress as the silver-haired swashbuckler plummeted on his pate, his piratical posterior precariously poised with his knees planted on either side of the pointed ears perkily popping out of his official pirate bandana. Kagome pranced prettily around the copper cauldron of cruddy clothing and planted her hands on her hips, prodding the pathetic pirate.

"Cor! Whatcha doin' fallin' inta me laundry 'fore I'm off work?"

"Arrr," InuYasha protested from his painful position.

"Eh?" Kagome cocked her head and peered perplexedly at her pretzeled lover. "Blimey! 'Owdja straddle yerself like that?"

InuYasha plopped over prone before pole-vaulting to his feet and peering down at his previously-pristine official pirate plush beige pants, now besmirched with rum. "Arrr," he arrrr'd poutingly, blearily peeling and pitching the bespattered britches into the percolating pot.

"Idjit!" Kagome procured a paddle to pluck out his puddling pants. "That's a 'ot white load! No beige breeches permitted!"

"I dun need me pants, wench," he promised, peripatetically pursuing his paramour wearing only his official puffy-sleeved pirate shirt. Pouncing her from behind, his fingers feelingly freed her buxom bosoms until she stood clad only in her petticoat. Pawing her hips, he pulled her against his piratically pulsating inu-prick. "An' neither do you. Cum 'ere, ma petite Pomeranian."

"Blimey," Kagome rolled her eyes. "Not doggie style agin!"

Plundering her pleasure chest, he poetically arrr'd, "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrfff, Lassie."


End file.
